Ignore my earlier post :) this is more acurately how Im feeling now: I Love yall. Realy good new graced my life today, though it was chaotic, it was welcome.
All this month and next month I am having major reconstructive dental surgury. Insurance, however much a scam it may be, has decided to cover me, Yay! Fillings, Caps, Root Canals, Complete Extractions, stuff like that. The first session was this afternoon, it was a pre-op setup thing. we discussed different options and they explained all the various procedures, the order we will do them in, how long they would take and how much they would hurt. and how much they would cost, oi. oh, and 15 people stuck 45 fingers in my mouth all at once, like a latex gloved finger bukaki.
I am somewhat over-emotional about all of this right now, I keep crying at random times out of nowhere, all day, La La drivin, BOOM! crying uncontrollably. La La walking to friends house, BANG! crying like a baby down the sidewalk. Its sort of strange. It happened while I was typing this entry too.
Im just so happy, Im happy and releived that they can help me, that this reduculous curse can be done away with. Also, I am hopeful that one day soon I will be able to smile without being reminded of how different, poor, and ashamed I am.
How strange it is, to feel so great about life and everything around me, yet to be looked at by most of the people I meet as though I was a fucking monster. people suck, you know? They bitch and complain about everything and everyone and how they are treated and they play the fucking victim CONSTANTLY, to avoid actually doing something that requires effort, change and accountability - then they turn around and treat another person like a piece of god damned road kill that makes them want to vomit. Like they deserve special treatment and all the people they step on deserve their feelings hurt. Like Insult and Condemnation are the appropriate punishments for being alive. You know what, fuck people.
If you see me, dont trust a damn word I say, Im so totally over-emotional right now. Its not even explainable. Imagine living everyday, everyday of your life in fear, shame and disgust, and no matter how hard you work to be balanced and confident, seeking your own happiness and place in the world, you are completely outcast among the very people who popualte that world. That the reality is that you have no teeth and your mouth is a jagged gapping hole of putrid filth in the middle of your face. That nothing you say or do, no matter how honest, sincere, or funny, will earn you the respect of most the people you meet, sometimes not ever your peers, because Americans are judgmental insensitive pricks obsesed with making everyone of their own feel insecure for not being a skinny tanned teenaged bimbo with perfect teeth and skin. Dudes, fuck americans. Yea, theres the whole 'dont give a damn what people think' thing, but Im old enough to know the differance between doing what I want to do while looking this way, regardless of what people think, and doing what I am pushed into doing by being treated like a fucking disease by most the people I meet because I look different and wrong to them. Fuck that.
My friends make a good case: most people suck, and I whole heartadly agree. There was a time I thought that deep down people were all kind and loving and friendly, thankfully a selfish little girl taught me otherwise. People are fools and jerks and morons and I do not realy care what they say, think, or how they look at me. But if theyre gonna treat me like an inferior then it will be because I have OFFENDED THEIR CLOSE MINDED SICK ISOLATED MATERIALISTIC SELF SERVING PARADIGMS. Not because God kicked in my face instead of theirs and they get to sit on a pedastal smiling at me with pearly whites.
Still, Makes it hard to meet people when your grill is a skatepark, ya know? Oi.
anyway, its over. The treatment plan was limited by my BULLSHIT SCAM SCAM SCAM insurance agency who wouldnt pay for anything, but I had a secret weapon ready: TAX REFUNDS! so instead of taking out all of my teeth and gumming my food to death and popping dentures in and out the rest of my days, or getting metal brackes installed with screw on replacments, they are going to fix most of my teeth and only 2 or 3 need removed.
In truth, I am exstatic. It did suck that they kept asking me about Crystal Meth. for the record, I do not 'do meth' nor do I intend to ever 'do meth'. You cant get pep like I got artificially bitches, its all natural baby. ALL NATURAL. AND IT AINT FOR FUCKING SALE!
of course, so are my broken chipping pocket black teeth so what can ya do? natural i mean. The dentists have NO idea what is causing my decay yet. They keep saying 'soda and crystal meth.' I dont drink soda and I dont do meth. So I told them that and they pretty much laughed at me. Maybe its built up hatred for stupid immature people who treat the world like their toilet and kind loving people like they are puppets and playthings. Maybe the bitterness in my heart is eating the enamal on my teeth. MY disgust for lazy human falts is cracking my teeth and making them disgusting. Or its the crystal meth. :)
As if its not embarrasing enough to say, hey check out my rotton teeth, arent they gruesome? im a freak of nature, in caveman days I would be dead because something is wrong with me and I have weak bones and a calcium deficiancy. Yea, i love being here and tlaking about this and its just so great when you touch my broken teeth with your rubber gloves and talk about me in the third person!
Yea, while youre at it, why DONT YOU INSULT ME TOO!!! call me a junkie and a tweaker and a lier, come on. I like it. I get off on it. now, Hit me and tell me to do the dishes. Oi.
Ok, Im upset about that part. Punk ass doctor muther fucker. I bet hes on meth. Anyways...
So something important is happening in my life and I am very happy about it. Its not a huge thing like a wedding, (shoutouts to Corey nd Cassie who are having their weddings this month :) but it is huge to me. You can all look forward to kissing my ear to ear smiling ass from now on cause Im gonna laugh and smile all I want to and there nothing anyone can do to fucking stop me. Except maybe punch me. In the mouth. So... please dont do that. Forget the whole 'ass kissing' part. Thats them, not you. Im so happy!
There I go with the crying again. Oi man, this realy is a lot to think about. It is scairy and exciting all at once, but I am sure it will be lots and lots of fun. BYOB peeps. peace.
